Does it really suck?

On my way into church today, I ran into someone I hadn't seen in a while.  She asked how I was, how the job hunt was going.  Because I wasn't feeling very well, I was slow with my words.  I shrugged, mumbled something about hard. The word sucks was offered.  Kinda.  It kinda sucks.  It's common for people to suggest that job hunting sucks.  I'm always a little hestiant though because in reality it's not that bad.  Especially in the context of my life, being investigated by the media, government agencies and teams of lawyers was worse -much, much worse.   Looking for work affords me the chance to think about different organizations, about the work they do to improve the world. I've met interesting people, learned more about myself with each opportunity.  I've built spiritual disciplines into the process and spent hours in prayer for the people with whom I engage and their organizations.  Blessing this process, that's success to me.  I just want to bless it but then someone asks me or I think about it too much and I curse it.  Under scrutiny, I can't find the confidence, the faith to say - it's okay, I'm blessing the process.  Or - yes, getting rejected hurts but I know that taking the wrong job would hurt more.  I'm discerning here and that's a slow, deep process but I'm safe because I'm listening for God.  I can't find those words when I'm talking to others, my discouraged posture, bruised ego is what I consistently feel and show. At a party tonight, I finally articulated the tension of this process in a way that honored it's contradictions.  Yes, it's hard to do this as a discipleship practice but I know it's right.  I trust God but I still have human fears.  Staying faithful, choosing not to manipulate or force my way, impose my will, that's the hardest thing I've ever done.  This is the real work.  Waiting, letting each day form deeper rivulets of faith in the invisible spaces.  Slowly letting God-soaked time reshape the foundation of my life.  No, that doesn't suck - not even a little.  It's just easiest hard thing I've ever done.  It is the real work of the incarnate life of an eternal spiritual being.  It is the blessing that I can't always see or feel but is nonetheless mine.